Reflections
by HistoryIsImmortal
Summary: One-shot set after the main events of 3x15. Elijah looks back on the confrontation with his mother, reflecting on his mortality, his family members and many other things as he tries to write a letter to Elena before departing Mystic Falls.


_Author's Note: So this is basically another piece where Elijah thinks a lot about the past, the present and the future, reflecting on his relations with his family and the events that took place in 3x15 – All My Children._

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Elijah had never let his mind to linger on thoughts of death for too long. It was mainly because after burning the great white oak tree to the ground he'd known he was very close to indestructible, that he could live through any disasters the world had to offer and never die.

Even at times when he'd felt tired, worn-out and about to give up, he'd always figured that death wasn't really an option for him anyway. And he was relatively sure that every one of his family members had felt like that at least once in the thousand years.

No, Elijah had never thought too much about death but tonight he'd unexpectedly come face-to-face with his mortality and found that although he had confronted it calmly and without fear, he had still done everything in his power to fight it.

After _one thousand_ years his will to live remained intact. He wasn't entirely certain whether that made him optimistic, delusional or simply pathetic.

And although he truly wasn't scared of death, though he suspected it was the side effect of living for so long that the possibility of ceasing to exist had become so foreign, so surreal to him that it had taken on the characteristics of a myth or a silly rumor, he still couldn't help but wonder sometime…

His family hadn't been particularly religious since his mother had been a powerful witch and faith considered magic evil and heretical. Nonetheless religion had been a great force in the world back when he was young and had remained important even in modern times.

And even though there was a large number of different belief systems out there, he was sure that being what he was every single one of them would send him straight to hell or to its equivalent whatever it may be.

So he couldn't have said he was optimistic about dying, least of all the prospect of afterlife. After all the best he had to hope for was that the blackness would swallow him and that would be the very end of it. That he'd just close his eyes and succumb to nothingness. And that was a somewhat peaceful thought, although it sounded awfully lonely.

But he couldn't be afraid of death. By doing so he would have only condemned himself to this earth for an eternity without _any_ hope of escape and so the world would become a hell in itself.

And in his time on this earth he had had quite a taste of hell already. Elijah believed he'd walked through it with his head held high and come out the other side.

He had survived the death of his two brothers even when he was a human still. He'd been forced to handle becoming a bloodthirsty creature and watch the fall of his family. He'd gotten over his mother's demise and being hunted by his own father, and after that the loss of his remaining siblings, save for Klaus who had been the one to take them from him.

Elijah had lived through the second half of the Middle Ages and seen how through Renaissance and Industrial Revolution the world had slowly turned into what it was today. He'd endured the never-ending wars that kept tearing countries apart, court intrigues, power-struggles and rebellions, not to mention chapter after chapter of his own family tragedies.

But despite of all the cruelty, pain and suffering he'd seen, he still couldn't understand how his brother Finn could be so eager to end his life. It was true that Finn had only a hundred years worth of sins on his belt to pay for when he had ten times as many, but was he honestly that enthusiastic to meet his judgment and drag his siblings down to hell along with himself?

After all Finn was no saint either. All of them had killed innocents, though some more than others. Still, fact remained the same – none of them was guiltless, however much they may repent their deeds or how fervently they might claim that they weren't accountable for their actions due to the bloodthirsty nature they'd inherited as vampires.

It was still their own fault for yielding to their desires and through that becoming monsters, regardless how cultured or principled they might have been otherwise.

His mother's words echoed in Elijah's mind, inconveniently refusing to be forgotten.

_My only regret is that I did not let you die a thousand years ago._

_For a thousand years I've been forced to watch you, felt the pain of every victim, suffered while you shed blood._

And for the last nail in the coffin that had been his mother's love…

_All of you. You're a curse on this earth, stretched out over generations._

How could he have been so naïve as to think his mother could simply put aside all of their wrongdoings? Love them despite of what they were?

But at the same time he couldn't deny that she _had_ loved them, perhaps more than any other mother had ever loved their children for what she agreed to do to protect them.

Also a part of him knew that her reasoning hadn't been completely detestable. She didn't _want_ to kill her children, she _had_ to. She was a servant of the nature and she'd violated its laws to an unforgivable extent.

_There must be a balance._

Regardless of the sorrow and that shred of understanding Elijah felt towards his mother's actions, he couldn't help but feel furious and betrayed at the same time.

That's why he was here, sitting behind a massive mahogany desk with a pen in his hand and a paper in front of him.

He needed at least some sort of forgiveness, even if not from his mother.

What he had done to protect his family today had exceeded any limits of acceptability. He had hurt someone who in her own selflessness would have probably died had she been in his position. Or maybe not. He hadn't done what he did solely to save himself; he'd done it to save his siblings. That Elena could understand, he knew.

Still whatever excuses he might have recited in his head, none of them made him feel better about it. And it bothered him more than he wanted to admit that the opinion of some young girl would gnaw at his insides like this.

Yet he had to believe that any person with a heart as pure and morals as high as hers deserved the utmost respect, especially on this day and age where virtue and honor were often forgotten. If he destroyed the goodness of such a kind person then he should be deemed a monster indeed.

So he put his pen to the paper, his mind reassuring him that his deeds had not changed her. She might not forgive him but that didn't really matter. It wasn't essential. He just hoped she had the chance to live the life she deserved far away from all this darkness. All of them. Because it was admirable how ready they all were to sacrifice themselves for each other. Almost like a family.

Or perhaps they were more than a family, even? Just because a person belongs to a family doesn't mean they are bound to be loyal to their kin. That's what his own family had proved, but Elijah still liked to think that under different circumstances they would have never turned against each other.

It was just an unfortunate chain of events that had led them to become like this – uncaring and cold, cruel even. And the fault, no doubt, also lied in their incredibly long life spans that had made them so arrogant and entitled.

But he knew the truth nevertheless. He knew what their true selves were… had been.

Elijah was blessed, or maybe cursed, with an exceptionally good memory. He could still recall his sibling as the people they used to be. When anyone would have said that Kol didn't have a malicious bone in his body. When Rebekah was just a sweet girl who dreamed of chivalry and beautiful dresses. And when Klaus was simply a curious boy fond of art and music.

But vampirism had changed their lives forever, in ways they couldn't have seen in their wildest dreams. In ways he had never wanted to change.

Elijah had learned to live with his bloodlust in time and through centuries it had diminished somewhat. Feeding remained a chore, something he had to do to sustain himself, not something he enjoyed however pleasurable it might have been.

Still, he could never forget the grisly truth – no civility or humanity could survive the all-consuming intensity of hunger. Hunger destroyed every shred of empathy in a person.

Elijah glanced at the clock and was surprised to see how late it was already. He needed to finish his letter and pack his belongings. It was time to leave.

His forehead wrinkled as he brought the pen to the paper again, contemplating what he was going to say. There were no words that could undo the harm he had dealt tonight. So what _do_ you say?

_Elena._

He wasn't going to add any pleasantries. He doubted she would ever consider him a friend after today's events. He wasn't going to assume otherwise anyhow. Instead Elijah was going to be honest. She deserved that. So he wrote on, his hand moving swiftly as the pen left behind a trail of neat handwriting.

_Today I did things I abhor to protect the one thing I value most – my family. If anyone can understand that, it's you. _

He paused for a moment, wondering what else there was to add. He wasn't used to having difficulty with finding the right words; normally they came to him so easily. Elijah always knew what to say, but today he felt at loss. Finally he came to a conclusion that _all_ he really _could_ do was to apologize.

_Your compassion is a gift, Elena, carry it with you as I will carry my regret._

As he finished the sentence, he reread the letter once before adding the last words to the end of the paper.

_Always and forever,_

_Elijah._

He folded the letter carefully and stuffed it into an envelope. After that he sat motionlessly for some fifteen minutes, lost in his thoughts.

It was time to leave Mystic Falls; _that_ much was apparent. There was nothing here for him now that his mother and Finn had vanished, surely to be seen again. Kol was long gone. Klaus was unquestionably planning how to unbind them; Elijah would leave the scheming to him this time. And Rebekah… he didn't know what she was up to but he was certain she wouldn't come with him. She'd become fond of Mystic Falls even in this short time. He could see that. And she'd always been closest to Klaus out of her brothers, despite of everything that had happened between them.

So in the end Elijah had united his family just to depart from them shortly thereafter. It would have been sad if he had had any room for sadness in his heart. Only he didn't.

It was time to leave and although he didn't know where he was going exactly, it didn't frighten him. That was one positive characteristic of vampires, they are extremely adoptable. He supposed it was the only way to remain alive and sane in the ever-changing world.

Perhaps things hadn't turned out quite the way he'd expected, but they were all still here even if not together. After _one thousand_ years. His mother, Finn, Klaus, Kol and Rebekah, even the doppelganger was back. Like some twisted déjà vu…

He felt another jab of regret thinking of Elena. She was the only one of them who had been drawn into this just because she had an inconvenient ancestor.

But that was another great thing about being what he was – you always have more time. And in time, he promised himself, he _will_ reunite his family again… and who knew, maybe he hadn't seen the last of Elena Gilbert as well?

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_And if you don't mind: review! Criticism equally welcome._


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